2. Nov, 2022
Pondering
This last week I had plenty of time to ponder...
Ponder what?
A few things are on my mind and heart. Last Saturday we had another very emotional first.
We had our annual prize giving at Voortrekkers, but Liam was not there to be celebrated. Oh, how he loved Voortrekkers. He loved camping, not having to shower and brush teeth, not putting on clean clothes and of course being in nature. He also liked learning new things that most other primary school kids will never learn.
Now that my team will be going to high school, they will be Verkenners in the Voortrekkers. The camps for teenagers are beyond awesome and Liam is going to miss all of it. And we will miss seeing him enjoy each camp.
This Saturday we would have celebrated both boys' Voortrekker accomplishments. Raine's Presidentsverkenner award and Liam's Voorslag award. But now we are only going to celebrate Raine's award and what a prestiges award at that. I will celebrate with my team for their achievements, but I know I am going to look for my red head and big blue eyes. I will again realise with shock and horror - Liam is gone!
I am pondering what is in store for us in 2023. How will we feel when the new year starts, another year without Liam in it? I am pondering how can we incorporate the fact that Liam was here, without letting Raine feel like we only care about Liam. This is obviously not the case. It is interesting how grieving works. You can be ecstatic for Raine and pushed to the floor thinking about Liam.
What will our new normal look like? My therapist suggested now that most of the firsts are done, we need to celebrate Liam's life on special occassions, e.g. birthday, death day, Christmas and Easter. We need to do this so that Raine also feels celebrated. I do not know yet what that would like yet. All I know is, we need to look after Raine. That one is such a special young man, with the world at his feet.
Where will my husband find another job, after the CCMA case? Does he want to go back to work for a formal institution or would he like to go on, on his own?
The only certainty is that Raine will pass matric and start studying IT at Wits Unversity. A space in his life he is so excited to begin. You can feel how he wants to burst out of his teenager skin into an adult one.
Another issue I am pondering about is, is there a heaven. What is it or where is it? Some pastors believe it is a space similar to Earth just running parallel with ours. I cannot find anything to read which can really confirm.
I am also pondering everyday where can I find Jesus in my day. The caring and loving God. My God figure looks different than other parents'. My God is cruel and unloving - He is mighty and unforgiving in the hurt he dishes out. We have a very complicated relationship. I am trying to focus on Jesus, which holds you up, carry you when you can't walk anymore. I am trying to see Him in all the small things.
That is also one thing I am constantly thinking about the small stuff people take for granted. When they do, I feel really hurt and angry, because I would love to be able to struggle with the small stuff in my kids' lives. When your child dies, you live in the detail of life. Waking your child, give breakfast, pack suitcases and sportbags, make arrangements for extra-murial activities, academics, friends and kissing him goodnight. Because all these things are just gone within one breath.
People say at least I still have Raine. Yes, that is true. But Raine is at an age where he wants to find himself by himself. Where we are no longer parents but advisors only. Also having Aspergers' Raine is not the cuddly, emotional type. He runs from these things, where Liam lived for it.
I am just pondering about our future. I feel that we are not in control, even though God tells us he gave us free will. Where did we have free will when Liam died? I did not ask for this pain and I will never ever wish it upon anyone. But I had no control or free will...
The thing is with losing a child so suddenly, it makes your vision very limited. You are too scared to plan ahead. If you know me, even my lists have lists. Now I can hardly see beyond two days. I still only try and get through the day without me losing control and having to be put in a soft place with soft walls. How are we supposed to plan for a future when my hubby and I cannot see to the end of the day?
So lots of pondering...