Forever Mommy

Cruel things that no parent should do

On my previous blog provider site I explained in a few blogs the horrible cruel things you have to do for your child when they pass away sunndely. So I am just going to summarise them here so that if another parent loses a child they can know sort of what to expect:

- Call paramedics and you might need to wait 45 minutes for private ambulance companies to come out

- Do CPR on your child (please go for a course) and hear the ribs break as you compress or swallow their blood when the lungs already filled. But keep on going

- Stay with your child's body until the police ask you to leave. My hubby stayed with him, kept the rain of him and held him. I will be sorry for the rest of my life that I came up to see why the ambulances were taking so long

- Phone anyone you think has a contact with emergency services and get help from people that you know can help

- Phone a spiritual leader or friend for comfort even if it is to bring coffee and blankets

- Do not give your phone to the paramedics to phone people when it is confirmed that your child died. Our one paramedic told all the people that Liam hanged himself. They are not allowed to confirm reason for death. Gice it to the chaplin or the police or better a family member or friend

- When the police come in, you are a suspect in the death of your child. Get used to that idea fast, it will take some of the sting out of it. They are just doing their jobs, trying to protect the scene and figuring out why your child died expectedly 

- A police photographer will come and take photos. The police usually ask that you leave for that part. Go - you should not see that happen

- We dediced not to put Liam's body in a body bag, but we had them wrap him up in his favourite blankets

- You can decide to take the body to the morgue van or the police can do it. We decided that my husband and a very, very angel friend would bring Liam to the van and they placed him in the van. Remeber they go in feet first. 

- I got to hug him one last time before they closed the door and drove away

- You might pass out and sleep or you might sleep and wake up screaming when you realise again that your child is dead - gone. It is normal either way.

- Look after yourself, even if you feel you can't. That means getting something to sleep, eat, dress and brush your hair and teeth and put on your make up

- Allow as much or as little people as you are comfortable with. I am glad we allowed a lot of people to visit in the first week, because I learnt so much about how my little boy affected other people's lives, even grown-ups lives

- Accept any and all help as much as you can tolerate. It is about you and not about making other people feel better

- The day after you or a family member must go to the police morgue to identify the body, which you fo from a grotesque photograph. You are allowed to view the body behind a glass screen. Your child will not be cleaned up yet as the body is still evidence. Stay as long as you can take it. I went myself because I wanted to walk the path with Liam

- Then you have to choose a funeral home to collect the body after the states autopsy. Choose one that people recommend that they have used. Don't take Google's first recommendation

- You can request the funeral home to arrange a private autopsy as you are not allowed the state autopsy report. you have to apply to the court when your case comes up. The judge will then decide. We asked for our own autopsy as we wanted to confirm that Liam did not kill himself. We got the report within two days - no suicide

- Then you ahve to choose burial or cremation. If cremation, do you want to be present or have a still cremation. Our funeral home recommended not to go, as parents usually can't handle seeing the coffin go into that slot in the wall

- Choose clothing for your child. I bought Liam a new pair of pants that would fit (all his was to large) and we dressed him in a white dress shirt and his denim vest. We dediced not to give them shoes, because we wanted to keep his army boots and he was mostly bare feet anyway

- Then ask someone to act as project coordinator for the funeral or memorial to help with all the admin related thngs. So you can get to start mourning and not focus on paperwork. My sister-in-law although devastated did that for us. She did all the awful things for us

- Go and say goodbye to your child's body, his soul's vessel. Our funeral home took his photograph and they styled his hair the same. They coloured his cheeks and tinted his lips the same colour. Its not make-up, I do not know how they do it. It is an absolutely awful horrific experience to touch your child's frozen body, but it made me realise that Liam is no longer in his body. His energy is somewhere else

- I brought him a very large King Protea and I wrote him a letter which they cremated with him

- Do not rush the memorial. Do it the way you want it done, except of course due to religious beliefs. We chose our friend who married us and blessed our kids in the NICU to do the service. He did is so beautifully because he knew I family

- We chose friends of our eldest son to be the musicians and they learnt the songs we wanted to have played

- My little sister all the way in Australia made the photoslide show with music and it was really celebration of Liam's lovely happy life

- We had a cross outside and people could write things down that made them think of Liam or a memory of him

- Our scouts led a prosession for us in and out and that was so very beautiful and special

- Due to Covid we only invited close family and friends to attend the after tears

- Then come the really, really difficult part, clsoing down your child's life: settling schoolfees, closing bank and investment accounts, changing your will and testament etc.

- The absolute worst part was putting in the funeral claims at our employers, I do not want the money, I want my son. But we used the money to finish the mancave and plant Liam's garden.

- Then if you decided to cremate what to do with the ashes. We decided to perhaps divide it in three for now: some for us to cherish, one for Arlington Cemetary in Washington DC and one part for the Wall of Rememberance at church

- We also decided to have aplace in our house where we keep a large photo of Liam, his ashes wrapped in a US flag, his marbles and statues of rabbits. We also light a candle everynight as symbol of Liam's light

There are oher things to think about later when you are ready.

- Changing the child's room, we changed Liam's room into a real teenage room. we removed all the schoolbooks and we placed all his sketches in frames and framed them.

- Getting rid or donating the clothes. I can't do that yet and I am planning a surprise for my hubby with Liam's onesies and army clothes.

- Sorting and donating toys. We did that in December when we finished Liam's 13th birthday present his mancave. Luckily he made a sketch of how the mancave should look and where everything needs to go when he designed it. So all his toys and keepsakes are there. We also hold movie nights in the cave and we sleepover. It's in the cellar.

- Decide what to do with his relationships with friends and schoolmates. We are hoping to create opportunities for his friends to still come visit and play with his bunnies and use the mancave.

- We did not have the guts to work through his clothing and shoes. That might take time. We do ot need to do it now. I am thinking of making someting for my husband from his onesies and marine clothes.

- I am still to take his scouts vest and purple heart to be framed. We are framing both kids vests.