21. Oct, 2022

One year heavenversary

Wednesday, 19 October 2022, one year since you left us for heaven,. Liam, we miss you my boy. You brought so much colour to our lives. You were absolutely unique - no one else like you in the family. The space you left is huge, but we are learning to live with the pain of missing you as part of us.

I was not as sad on Liam's death day as I was on his birthday. Maybe because we know now how to react to his death. Now all his firsts are basically done. In the last year we have figured out what works and what does not work for us whilst we grief.

Now we need to live the new normal, keep the things that spark joy and get rid of the things that bring us pain. Or pack them away for another time, when we are stronger and the pain more blunt. We need to remember we have another young man we need to help get through adulting. This will be different than most parents do it, as Raine's Aspergers makes how he responds to the world seem odd.

We have to move our focus away from Liam now and focus on Raine. Otherwise Raine is going to feel (if not already) that he lost his parents as well. We need to learn to love Raine in terms of his own love language, which is vastly different to Liam's. I think my hubby will have the most trouble with it, he is trying so hard to compensate.

Last night after my session with my therapist, I decided to start thinking about the next year's goals and plans. Just one year ahead. baby steps still, but it looks slightly more forward than the last year. We are still alive and we still have to complete our journey here, before we move on to the eternal journey. We promised Liam that we will learn to live again and we can now start the healing process by focussing on our lives.

I feel horrible when I say this. It feels like I am telling myself that I am going to forget about Liam, but then I just gently remind myself that there is no way we will ever forget Liam. That big personality in that little package was the life of the family.

Next year we will have a fulltime student in the house, with different requirements from us as parents. We are now moving to become advice givers and companions on Raine's journey through life.

We also need to start thinking about our empty nest. What are we going to do when Raine leaves home, where will we be and what do we still want to do in this life. Big decisions, but for now we can just dream them for now. Action will come much later.

We spent a very quiet day as Liam's first heavenversary. We went to the Wall of Remembrance to sit with Liam a bit at church. I continued an old scrapbook project for a while. We sat and conversed with each other on memories. My hubby and my sister in law made us some dinner, even Oupa helped with the chips.

My niece gave us a restored skateboard of Liam. It is covered in camouflage and it has Liam's headstone picture on it and the marine's prayer. On the back she added a collage of photos of Liam at different ages. Then the flood gates opened up. Franco and I just could not hold it enough.

The late afternoon was exactly like last year, with the storm coming up and it started to rain at exactly the same time as last year. But this year there were no ambulances, armed response, police and a morgue van. There was candle light and a cross in Liam's garden.

Yesterday I physically felt the way I did last year on the day after. Almost like a having a hangover, but its not. It was my body remembering the battering of trauma.

I can only ask that Jesus will watch over us and help us up when we fall. We can only ask that He lets his will be done...