18. Oct, 2022
364 days!
I cannot help it, but I keep on reliving Liam's last few days with us. Today, I reminisce about the Monday before he died. We did so many things the last two weeks of his life that was so out of the routine.
But that Monday, the kids went to school and we went to work. When I got home, the boys informed me that we will go to the movies and watch the new James Bond movie. So it was the four of us and Raine's friend. Great movie! Liam like always spilled his popcorn with a "Oh hell no!
After the movie we got to the car and we realised that someone broke into the car and stole Raine's toolbag from Liam as an 18th birthday gift. Raine was livid. Off they all went looking for security and to see if they can see something on the cameras. I stayed behind, fearing they might steal the car. It took them a long time to get back and it was almost 23:00.
Liam was very tired by then and he laid his head on my lap for the last time. I helped him into his pajamas and settled him into bed. We went to sleep.
But the point is, why did we decide that it would be a good idea to go to the movies on a Monday. The exams were going to start soon. So very much out of character for our family.
Now when I look back, I can see all the moments that God gave us the last two weeks of Liam's life. I am grateful for those moments, but I would have appreciated not to have those should it then mean that Liam would not be killed.
We miss so much of Liam, his presence, his character, his companionship, his bravery and his pure heart. I would give anything to have him back. Absolutely anything...
Tomorrow is going to be a very hard day for us as family and friends of that angel boy. I really do not feel in the mood to have tomorrow even. I just want to be soulless and heartless tomorrow. Can I not just skip tomorrow or even better can I not just skip to the end of it all.
The big question why has still not be answered, and I know I will never get the answer. But I can hope. We still do not know our new purpose. We are now parents to an adult son and from next year, Raine will be less dependent on us. So we are starting our empty nest season early.
My husband has also been forcefully retired from his company. The preparations for the legal battle keeps his mind busy. But he has to deal with that issue and the sadness of losing his little boy. It really feels as if Satan is out to try and get us to break. I try not to focus on the negative things that have been happening to us, but I do wonder if we are cursed somehow.
But tomorrow we need to get through it by hook or by crook, for Raine's sake. He starts matric exams with Advanced Programme in Maths on Thursday and Friday IT Pratical. We need to be okay, so that he can have the emotional energy to actually write exams. I wish he did not start this week already. I really wanted him to have a break this week, this dark awful week.
I must say, I read all my blogs this morning and I am proud of the growth and the moments of hope we had. We fall apart nearly every single day, but we have learnt to get up, battle bruised but up. Great work, family and friends! We love you for the way you are just with us, not always saying anything, but being with us. We salute you as well.