30. Sep, 2022
Liam's birthday
On Monday, I had a complete emotional meltdown, brought about by a flying number 4 balloon. As I opened the car door to take out the balloons, the 4 decided it is going to escape. I lost my ^%Z&$(&. And started to scream-cry.
The balloons was to commemorate Liam's 14th birthday!
I arrived at the scouts with cry blotches across my face and a hoarse voice from all the screaming and crying. In such a state I created my team and some parents. I just could not keep it back anymore. Why can everyone else's children grow up, but mine never will... I will never get an answer.
I took birthday cake to my team and they sang Happy Birthday for Liam. They also handed me a beautiful gift for the last 8 years that I have been their team Mommy. Beautiful earings and a necklace made from 1 South African cents. It has a "Mossie" on it.
Tuesday, the 27th is my hubby and Liam's birthday. So when we woke I said happy birthday, but I wanted so badly to drop the happy. My hubby was very tearful. We had a cupcake each and he blew out the candle. While we were singing we did not add "...and Liam". We just said my husband's name. For the first time in 14 years, he has his birthday back all to himself, but I could see he would have wanted it so differently.
We then all went down to Liam's cross in the garden where he died. Then it was time to sing to Liam. It was horrific as we sang the Afrikaans version: "Mag die Here jou seën en nog baie jare spaar..." No breath!
It means may God's grace be with you and may your life be spared for a long time... I need to find a new song.
So I decided to split the day into 3 sessions: morning (mourning) session for Liam, afternoon session for my husband and evening session for them both. In the afternoon session I booked us a session at the Rage Room, where you get old appliances and all sorts and weapons, where you can smash anything you like. It took me 5 minutes to forget my manners and break whatever I could. Then the rage poured over and I demolished a whole TV and computer to tiny bits, whilst screaming my lungs out. I used a very large spanner.
We all had a few bruises and small cuts, but it was worth it to release the anger that had bottled up over the last 11 months. But frustration, jealousy and heartache also found a place in the Rage Room.
After we Raged the room to destruction, we had some very nicely made wood oven pizzas and cold drinks. The came an idea - lets go to Bounce. It felt there was still energy left in the younger ones and my husband and his sister. There they played dodge ball and completed the parkour area.
Obviously being very hot and tired, itt was unanimously decided that we must have handmade ice cream. The ice cream was made right there in front of you. Oh, how delightful. Then it was over and we returned home. The day not feeling so heavy as what I anticipated.
At home we had a braai, we braaied pork ribs - Liam's favourite. We had some more family and my neighbour over. It was a nice "normal" family braai, except for the gaping hole - Liam's space.
Both my sisters in New Zealand and Australia, also lit a candle and had a cupcake. They all let the green balloons go. My sister in Australia also dressed everyone in green - Liam's favourite colour. Thank you my dear sisters and their families for celebrating that Liam was here and that we all miss him.
Both of them sent us very meaningful gifts, like a King Protea and a bottle of wine, which I can drink in the African Sun with my sunglasses on. The other gift was also very special. My sister bought Liam a star. Yes, a physical star in a far of galaxy and that star is now called Liam. She sent me the coordinates as well. One day I will buy a telescope and maybe I will be able to see it.
Also thank you to all the people who sent message, love and prayers.
So we made the worst of the firsts - Liam's birthday. Yes, we are dented and broken and that will never change, but we did not curl up in a ball and died. We got up and we are learning to live, even on days like his birthday.
The next first is the 19th of October - the day that took Liam's life...