21. Sep, 2022

Greatest fear

I do not have a theme this week. I am just completely flattened to the ground. Nightbirde said that you meet God on the bathroom floor. That is so true!

The last week, I continuously think back to THAT day and it makes me sick to my stomach. Finding Liam, gone forever... I think I am only now getting to accept that he is gone forever from this Earth. It washes over me like a hundred ghosts going through my insides and I turn ice-ice cold. My brain knows Liam dies, but it is like my heart is fighting my brain. How can this be true?

How can this lively, loveable, happy, mischievous boy just be gone? How can his sounds, his aura, his presence just be gone? Then when I get home and the house is deathly quite. Raine is right, our house is now a sad house and not a nice place to be. But, we do not want to move, because the house and the garden were Liam's happy space. Here he could think up stories, build castles and play with his beloved bunnies. We will never be able to sell the space that made him so very happy.

The weekend passed, Liam's scout team did their practical exams and they enjoyed themselves. Some more than others. This milestone, Liam will never get to do, although he could not wait to complete it. The team was so gracious, they wore a pin with Liam's photo to the camp. One of the mommies made it for them. I cannot thank you enough Mari. I really appreciated it, it felt like Liam was still completing "Voorslag". I did not camp, because my psychologist does not want me to face such very damaging emotional triggers at this stage. I am very glad she that call for me.

Now it is just their birthday on the 27th (Franco and Liam) that we have to face. I have never felt so afraid of a day, as that day. I will try and focus my thoughts on the blessed day he was born - too early at 30 weeks weighing 1046 grams. When I went into labour I asked God if He was going to spare the baby, please let him be born on the 27th. So, I feel really betrayed and lied to by God. I am very angry... Liam was not spared.

I will also try my utmost best to celebrate my wonderful friend and husband on that day. He has always looked after me and loved me and accepted me.

He was lent to us for a mere 13 years. I will still not want anything to change the fact that he was born. Liam brought us endless laughter and love. He enjoyed life so much, no matter how difficult it became sometimes. He could always make a plan.

A plan? "Let me build an Acrobranch in my trees" Liam thought by himself. Not realising that , that plan would cause his death. I wish we had some way of managing Liam's impulsivity caused by the ADHD. I wish we taught him to be more responsible. I wish...

But if we did manage the impulsivity, we would have suppressed Liam's true nature and that was something he was extremely proud of.

I have three babies in heaven: Aidan (stillborn at 26 weeks) in 2001, Danielle (miscarried at 11 weeks) in 2007 and Liam (13) in 2021. A friend told me I must take it as a compliment that God must have thought that I make beautiful angel children and that is why he took them back. He needed them more in heaven than on earth. Interesting thought, however, it hurts like hell.

So, my psychologist has booked me off for next week as she is scared what the trauma of the loss would do to me mentally. There is no horror or ghost story that scares me more than the birthday of my dead son. I am living every parent's nightmare for the rest of my life.

I am glad she did, because I am going to be lying on the floor, wishing to die. No matter how much I want to focus on the positive, the negative outweighs it by far.

I just want to ask everyone to pray for our family next week Tuesday as this will be the hardest first we have faced so far. Please pray for strength and God's presence especially walking with us that day. That is all I ask. I cannot do that day alone without your prayers.