26. Aug, 2022
Stuck
I feel like a stuck gramophone, but is truly the worst thing that can happen to someone. It is a heart ache you cannot explain to someone, because no words in language exist. It is also so very cruel to get used to the idea, that Liam will never come back.
This week hit me like a wall of bricks and shattered my glue gunned heart - Liam is truly never coming back. I will never hear his voice and see his smile in animated life. Now I only have videos and photos to look at.
Then the week overwhelmed we with the realisation that Raine is finishing school in the next two weeks, record exams start and then they start with year end exams. Then we are finished with school forever. We still would have had five years with Liam attending high school. Now we are really middle aged and empty nesters. Although Raine will be studying close to home, we know that you hardly ever see your student child. So that is going to make the house even quieter now. It will just be Franco and I with all the animals.
But what also struct me is the following things we will never experience with Liam:
- his 14th birthday
- getting his Voorslag qualification at the scouts
- Time capsule opening at the end of grade 7
- Prize giving for grade 7
- Graduating primary school
- No high school uniform to purchase
- No new suitcase
- No stationery to buy
- No books to cover
- No first day photo with Liam and Raine (Liam in high school and Raine attending university)
- No 15th birthday
- No 16th birthday and kissed before (Liam was a ladies man)
- No high school sports and events
- No matric
- No university
- No wife
- No grandchildren (Raine also said he does not want to be married, nor have children, except the animal-kind)
- No legacy
We had Liam because we did not want Raine to be alone once we die, but now he will be alone, he will watch his whole family die out all alone...
The loss on these things is tremendous and this sharpens the pain even more. Yes, we had the best 13 years we could have hoped for. Yes, we had the bravest, funniest and caring 13 year old boy. Yes, I have another son and yes I have my husband. But it does not make one milimetre of difference to the gaping hole we live with everyday.
I also had my second session with my therapist and I had a few a-ha moments. She explained to me where trauma goes and lies within your actual body - the fascia. It is just under the skin and is a jelly-like substance that keeps your muscles in place. So I have had a large number of acute traumas in my life, which I did not go for therapy for. Now with Liam's death, my auto-immune illnesses are acting up again.
She explained that all the trauma has caused my fascia to become stiff and rigid. I need to go for a fascia stretch, to relieve the toxins accumulating for many years. So I made an appointment for next week on Spring day. I will keep you posted on how that went. Apparently it is not a pleasant massage, it hurts even more than a sports physio.
We have another big trauma hitting the three of us in September. I can't speak about it as yet, as negotiations first need to start, but it is going to kill my husband, if we can't stop it from happening. I am truly worried about him. Also, if he cracks, Raine and I will also crack. He keeps all our pieces of our hearts together.
I keep on asking as many times I can from God and my friends, why our family is under attack constantly. What kind of evil has been spoken over us. I have done cleansing prayers over the house, the garden, our cars and my family members. But these bad things keep on happening.
All answer I get is: "God will never burden you with more than you can handle!". Well, hay, I can't handle anymore. I am drained, I am exhausted. I have nothing more to give. I wish every night that I never wake up again in the morning, but here I am...
In the same nightmare...
So, if you feel you want to help, pray for us, because sometimes I just cannot face praying to God, when I am so angry at what he allowed to happen to Liam.
My poor little dead Liam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!