19. Aug, 2022

Ten months and counting forever

Ten months ago on a Tuesday morning, I woke you up for the last time. 296 days later I have not been able to tuck you in bed or wake you again. And I will never ever be able to do that. The missing is in the detail, the ordinary events of daily life, like packing lunches, checking homework, washing laundry...

On that horrible, horrible day I am forever changed, not just emotionally, but physically and spiritually.

Emotionally, a lot of you know what I feel so deeply and I appreciate the hugs, the prayers and just being my friends.

Spiritually, I am in constant debate with God the Father. He knows how hurtful and painful losing a child is, yet, he gave us this heartache and deep profound brokeness. I chat everyday with Jesus to show me grace, but the missing, the ache within the deepest corners of my being remain and worsens everyday. The Spirit dwells within me and makes me get up in the morning, put on my face and gets me through the day. If it was not for the Spirit, I think I would have just lied down and waited for my own demise.

Physically, I have changed as well. I have learnt that especially Forever parents suffer from various disorders due to the nature of the grief. The trauma of Liam's death activated our sympathetic nervous system. That is your "fight" and "flight" modes, your Spidey sensors if you like. But with other traumas that nervous system can more easily be calmed down. In our case it stands upright to attack for me, for my hubby and Raine it makes them run away from all hurt.

Some of my physical symptoms:
  • my hair is falling out
  • my mixed connective diseases are on fire
  • I cannot eat properly
  • my teeth are lose in my mouth
  • my mouth and glands are all dried up
  • my high blood pressure is now very low blood pressure
  • I forget how to say some words and I stutter now
  • I am more forgetful than ever
  • I am super thinned skinned - the smallest of things upsets me
  • my gut is giving me problems
  • my eyesight has worsened
  • I am depressed all the time, not even the meds are working anymore
  • I am losing weight
  • I cannot sleep without my anti-anxiety medication
  • I am lathargic and
  • I am tired all the time

Symptoms of an over active or dominant sympathetic nervous system are: anxiety, panic attacks, nervousness, insomnia, breathlessness, palpitations, inability to relax, cannot sit still, jumpy or jittery, poor digestion, fear, high blood pressure and high cholesterol, to name but a few.

So you do not want that system to be your dominant system. You need to go back to a state of homeostasis. But with parent bereavement, this system is activated all the time, that is why studies have found that these parents develop ailments more frequently and also die much earlier than other parents.

So to be sarcastic - fun and games for us for the rest of our lives!!!!!!

I am tired... I have nothing more to give.