5. Aug, 2022
Time....
I have a paradox in my life - time flies quickly, but too slow as well.
Time flies too quickly. You have been gone 290 days... 290 days of missing, of nightmares, of tears and anguish.
Time goes too slowly, because it feels like my life will still be so long before I can see you again. I cannot bare the wait, definitely not for another 10-20 years (if I stay healthy).
A piece of me wants to look after myself, because I promised you that I will learn to live like you did - everyday anew and shiny. Another piece of me just wants to stop taking my medication, stop eating and drinking, stop sleeping and just maybe my end will come sooner.
I have to live with this paradox everyday... It screams inside of me with all of this inner conflict I have to face for the rest of my life everyday. Over and over again. I cannot explain the missing to anyone except another parent who lost a child.
This existence is taking its toll on my soul. It is like my soul has left my body and is already wondering, searching in heaven. It does not feel like it lives here. I feel disconnected from this world, like I do not belong. Nothing interests me any more. I try and keep myself busy, because then the time flies a bitter faster. I love to sleep, sleep is a time machine to another day at least.
I wish I spent more time with you just being, just enjoying you instead of running errands and being busy with futile things. Washing, ironing and other stuff are not important. I could have spent so many more hours with your beautiful soul. Just enjoying your beautiful spirit.
Time is a monster...