29. Jul, 2022
Missing you so much it aches everywhere
This week has been a horrible one.
It started with this weekend where we went camping at the same camping grounds, we camped at two days before Liam died. Everywhere I looked the memories and the missing washed me off my feet. I had a few panic attacks!
What made it worse, was that my scouts team was also tearing up and sobbing. It is so difficult for me to watch his friends struggle and missing him. Thirteen year olds are not supposed to have such pain and have this hopeless feelings. My heart goes out to each and everyone off them.
Our fire lighting ceremony we tried to make and bold like Liam's personality. I hope we achieved that. We had no comments so I suppose it did not achieve it.
On the Sunday we were asked to hand over the Liam Pretorius Spirit Award. My hubby could not do it. He was crying so much and to watch that teddy bear of a man sob with longing and missing and pain.
Even Raine cried when I remarked that he cannot hold the torch, because Liam held the torch last year and the flame continuously died out. I believe the universe was warning us that his flame would be going out. I had a panic attack and that upset him very much. When he passed with the torch he made sure to tell me: "Mommy we did not light it."
The award was absolutely beautifully made. Thank you dear Hein for making Liam's memory live on at this beloved Voortrekkers. It was very difficult, but very special to us as a family.
Monday I was just out of it, I just had so much difficulty even getting up. So we made school just-just. The whole day at work I felt completely unproductive. But if I look at my to do list, I did a lot on Monday.
Tuesday I started therapy with my new therapist for a whole bunch of stuff: major depressive episodes, panic attacks, PTSD and changing my meds.
So there are only five things I HAVE to do:
- Eat
- Sleep
- Drink Water
- Connection
- Work
The rest I have to choose each morning what I have the energy to do. It basically means that due to the trauma of losing a child, my sympathic system is on high alert all of the time. It is the flight or fight response and I have it everyday and will have it for many years to come. I need to learn new skills to handle it so that I have enough energy to get through the day. So she is thinking of starting me on horse therapy. I am actually excited about something in my life. I already also changed my meds so we can manage my depression, as it is extremely dark at the moment.
Wednesday to today, I have just been sad and missing Liam so much. I miss all of him, but mostly I miss his sound. I miss his loud voice bolstering his to do list for the day. I miss him singing in the shower. I miss his running footsteps - he never learnt to walk - he always ran. I miss his snoring. I miss his reading aloud. I miss hearing Mommy.
Yes, I can go back and watch his videos, but it is just a picture and a sound clip. It's not him, just a mere memory.
I am struggling so badly...