21. Jul, 2022
No healing in sight
I know my blog is called My Healing Journey, but there is no healing insight for me yet. The last week and this Tuesday, the 9 month anniversary, were almost as horrific as the day Liam died. The sadness has settled in all my cells, my heart, my mind and my soul. My friend at work tells me my eyes look dead. There is no more sparkle.
Everyday, every minute the longing and missing grow exponentially stronger and stronger. It has completely taken over everything in my life. Our "new" normal I do not wish on the most horrible person in the world. We literally feel like we are living in hell all the time.
The question "Why?" never goes away. It lingers underneath the surface and pops its ugly head out every time we have a trigger: a sound, a smell or even Liam's photo. We have to live this horror movie forever, until the day we die.
Then I look at Raine and I realise so much hurt will be waiting for him still. He will see his grandparents die, he will see his parents die, his aunts and uncles. Hopefully he does not need to see his cousins die. I feel so sorry for the life that Raine has been dealt. He's had a hard life right from conception. Sometimes I think maybe it is a blessing that he has Asperger's, but sometimes I think it must be so awful for him not to be able to express any emotions. And the saddest part is, we cannot help him.
People, I am losing the plot. I have completely lost myself. I do not know who I am anymore, except this sad creature. And I know from all the reading and connecting with other forever parents, it will NEVER go away. The sting goes out of it, but the darkness remains. I will never be my old self and I mourn that loss. My hubby and Raine will never be themselves ever again. I liked we were. We were a happy beautiful family. Really my happy ever after.
Now it is gone...
HORROR - an overwhelming and painful feeling caused by something frightfully shocking, terrifying, or revolting; a shuddering fear.
Every parents worst fear came true for us. I prayed everyday: "Lord please keep my children and my husband safe from harm." Well that did not work! Now I try and pray: "Lord, not as I will, but how You will." Have you tied praying that over your loved ones? My neighbour and I we pray that and it is the worst prayer you can pray. It means you let go completely and take a leap of faith into the nothingness. It is not a prayer that creates comfort. Test it.
In Afrikaans: "Laat U wil geskied."
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