29. Jun, 2022

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

The Mayo Clinic defines post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

What can be more terrifying than finding your child dead or seeing your child die?

Symptoms include the following:

Intrusive memories
Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:
  • Recurrent, unwanted distressing memories of the traumatic event. I see Liam everyday lying lifeless on his back, eyes half open and his lip parted, blue-ish in colour under the tree. He had a severe bump and laceration on his head. This happens everyday a few times per day.
  • Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks). Like I stated above, it happens everyday.
  • Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event. I luckily do not dream due to the pill I take to sleep.
  • Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event. The little boy who choked on the slide was a terrible event I could not get out of my head. I cried so many times for that child and mother. I am also constantly ill with an upset stomach or headaches. My hair is also falling out.

Avoidance
Symptoms of avoidance may include:
  • Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event. I speak about it often, although it upsets people. My psychologist makes me talk about it often.
  • Avoiding places, activities or people that remind you of the traumatic event. I cannot go to the lovely garden and cross that my husband made. I am angry at that garden. I can't do activities like play Monopoly or cards. I avoid anything to do with Minecraft. Working with my scouts team is very emotional for me and I have to prepare mentally every time for any activities we do together. I struggle to go to the beach or the sea side.

Negative changes in thinking and mood
Symptoms of negative changes in thinking and mood may include:
  • Negative thoughts about yourself, other people or the world. I cannot understand the superficiality of the world, the war in Ukraine. I struggle every morning to get out of bed. I just want to stay there and stop breathing.
  • Hopelessness about the future. I cannot find my life purpose. I feel goalless, I just survive and I am not living.
  • Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event. I have to write things down now, more than ever. The chronological events of Liam's death are difficult to sort out.
  • Difficulty maintaining close relationships. I am constantly in some sort of tiff with my son and husband. They don't want to talk about Liam, and I constantly want to talk about him. They make me feel that they have forgotten him and that makes me so very angry.
  • Feeling detached from family and friends. My sisters are in other countries, my dad died 15 years ago and I only have my mom this side. So my family understands what I am going through, because my sister lost her little one 17 years ago. My husband's family and my friends do not know how to be around us, so some keep there distance. I have one or two friends who check in regularly.
  • Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed. I just want to crawl into a ball and sleep my life away. I try and do at least one hobby once a week. I have created a list of things I need to do for my children.
  • Difficulty experiencing positive emotions. Yip, everything I view, I view with pessimism. I cannot find joy anymore. My house is sad, my family is sad, everything is just sad.
  • Feeling emotionally numb. Somedays I cannot respond emotionally at all. I am going through a spell now where I just want to be left alone and I want to be quiet.

Changes in physical and emotional reactions
Symptoms of changes in physical and emotional reactions (also called arousal symptoms) may include:
  • Being easily startled or frightened. I am now afraid of the dark. I hate driving in the dark. People must also not creep up on me. I just fall and cry my eyes out.
  • Always being on guard for danger. Especially around children and when my son is driving.
  • Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast. I have to watch my drinking. I constantly have to limit myself everyday. My dad was an alcoholic so I can easily fall into that pattern. When I drive alone I drive too fast. I think my insurer must get a fit when they track my driving. I will not endanger other people, but if no ones around, I do drive recklessly.
  • Trouble sleeping. That is why I take a pill to sleep.
  • Trouble concentrating. This happens especially later in the afternoon. My concentration span is also very short and I easily get distracted. I am usually a very focussed person.
  • Irritability, angry outbursts or aggressive behavior. Anything small can set me off and I like to throw things. Certain people irritate me more than usual. It is like they know how to press that button.
  • Overwhelming guilt or shame. I feel guilty all the time. What if I came straight home and did not stop at the garage? What if I stayed with Liam and his dad and continued CPR, maybe we could have saved him? Why did I not teach him to be more careful? Why did I not teach him to be less impulsive? Was I good mother? Did he know that I loved him so very much? I wish I did not tell him that I am busy so much. I wished I hugged him more. I wish I did not focus so much on his marks, but rather watched his personality grow. What ifs and I wish...

I am currently still getting treatment through a trauma psychologist, so is my husband. We are looking for a clinical psychologist specialising is ASD (Aspergers) for Raine. He is definitely showing all the signs of PTSD. He is not sleeping at night, he is not eating, his very irritable and aggressive. He is impatient and does not see anything good in the world anymore. How do I help this child of mine? How do I make it better when I know he is never going to un-see his brother's death? It will never get better...

He found his brother in the garden. He took Liam off the rope that choked him to death. He checked his pulse and vitals. He started CPR and he contacted the emergency services.

I feel like we are lost souls...