22. Jun, 2022
8 months and counting
246 days since I saw your pretty face, although it is all around me. 246 days since I heard your bolstering voice and laughter like bells in my ears. 246 days since I heard your footsteps running on the wooden floor. 246 days since I gave you a hug and told you I love you. My last words to you was "I love you, see you this afternoon."
When I miss you I look at your photos and the videos we have of you. But it is just not the same as having you here for real. It only reminds me that this is it. You will never change and grow up. You will forever be 13.
It is hard for me to see your friends grow up and preparing to go to high school. It is hard to see them dream. I wonder if you still dream when you are in heaven.
Lately every night I wake up at the same time you could not sleep. "Mommy, we sleep our lives away." I wonder what it means? I try and not get out of bed, so I turn around and then use the time to speak to God.
We had our first Father's Day without you. It was so difficult to see your Dad struggle and even worse to see how frail your Granddad has become. He is half the man he used to be. I do not think we will keep him here long. When you look into our eyes, you can see the sparkle has gone out of them. I do not feel that it will ever return. I heard from some moms that we are surviving and not living. I must agree, I am always tired, always spent from all the emotions I have about you during the day. I am tired of worrying about everyone else you loved you and knew you.
Everyone tells me that there is a greater plan for me at play and that plan will be revealed in time. I would have liked to not have that greater plan, but I would rather have you back. I would even switch with you any minute.
Another first is coming up this Friday. It is Raine's first birthday without Liam. I worry how he is going to respond to it. The ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder) keeps his emotions bottled up. I am waiting for the explosion. It is also his cousin's birthday and I know she is going to be very emotional. Can't I just climb under a rock and never come out. The "normal" world hurts all the time.
I am irritable with the world and its people. Some little things in life just upset me. Maybe it is because I see them more clearly now that you are gone. I want to scream to parents, do not sweat the big stuff, it is the little things that matter in the end. The sound, the smell, the feel - those things matter. STOP! Take a look at your children and adore them. Be amazed by them. They are here because God thought of them and that they are needed in this world to fulfill a task. Be amazed at what that might be...
We were lucky, the last two years Liam new exactly that he wanted to help people and fight in wars to bring peace to the world. We believe that he was preparing for this task the last two years, not to fight a war in this world but one in the spiritual world. He also came to this earth to teach us how to be happy, how to get up when you are knocked down and the most important, how to treat other people. Do you know how difficult such a life purpose is? Have you really tried it? I do not know where Liam got the energy from, and then he still had loads left at the end of the day.
We also got Liam's gravestone this week and I chose his soul's last resting place as well. Now we only need to wait for the cementing of the gravestone to the Wall of Remembrance. It is not supposed to work this way around...
I also received his framed scout's jacket back. It looks stunning. I wish he could have seen it. He would be so proud of himself.
This new life is unbearable!