13. Jun, 2022
Denial
The last week has been one of regression. I am constantly finding myself denying that Liam is gone. I look at his photo or hear his favourite song and then the disbelief overwhelms me.
He cannot be gone. That big personality and loud little body cannot be just gone. One moment there and the next he was not.
"Luckily" the last words that morning I dropped him off at school was: "Love you, see you this afternoon".
Once the denial starts, the anger grows and the jealousy! Why my beautiful boy with such a good heart? What is the purpose of this? Then people tell you something beautiful will come of this. What beautiful thing can possibly come from the death of any child? Nothing I tell you, absolutely nothing.
Suddenly, the plans we had for the next six years disappeared. One of the people we were planning all these things with, just disappeared and he was key to these plans. Now we are finishing high school and then our empty nest starts to take the place of the rest of our lives - six years too early. The two of us will be lonely until maybe Raine marries and have children.
Just the two of us, alone. I hate that feeling. I dread this future.
Liam was supposed to be Raine's life long friend. That is why we had him, so they would have each other when we are gone. Now Raine is again an only child and it is frightening to think that he will be alone when we are gone. It should not be this way.
I get so angry and cannot understand why Liam? God giveth and he taketh away. I understand that concept. But when He takes your child, and gives you the biggest and deepest pain imaginable, can He not at least tell you why? How does this disaster fit into the bigger picture? Can't we at least have that comfort of knowing why?
This weekend we are facing Liam's 8th month away from us on Father's Day. Franco's first Father's Day without his little boy and his own father being sick in the hospital. I know how I felt on Mother's Day, half a mother. How can I comfort Franco? Nothing can fill that void that Liam left - ever!
Why? Why? Why? Why?