3. May, 2022
Waves of sadness and sadness
We went away on our first week long seaside holiday without Liam. it was the most horrible feeling every time we had fun or we did something he would have liked. We also went places that he went with us and that was hard.
Our first emotional breakdown happened on the road when my hubby stopped along side the road to get me a beautiful Protea. It broke me to see the hurt drip from his body. It is the most horrible thing to see - a loved one weeping about the your lost child.
The next one was when we took a walk in a Nature Reserve and Liam walked with us a few years back and as soon as I was on the beach and met up with a spot where he played - I collapsed. A complete feeling of loss and sadness just gripped my heart and I felt suffocated. I had a physical reaction to my emotional pain. The unfairness of it all welled up again and I became so very, very angry. Why my son? Why can we not get a reason?
The idea of feeling like this for the rest of my life, made me sick to my stomach. But instead of throwing up, I collapsed and a deep throat cry came to being and was sent into the world. And it seems as soon as the cry went into the universe, the weather changed and became dark and ominous.
We had to quickly walk back because the road back to the car was very dangerous. I took my walking stick and wrote Liam's name in the sand. I waited for the waves to wipe his name out and that to felt too fast. I did not feel the cold, the wind or the rain. I was just so mad, like the weather. I just walked back with a tremendous anger and frustration inside of me and the rest of my day was ruined.
Another time was at a restaurant seeing a little boy doing exactly what Liam would have done with a piece of driftwood. I just cried, tears running down my face.
We got home yesterday and we went back to work and school today. It has been a rush, but I was shocked again to realise this morning that Liam is still dead. I wonder if it will ever get better, the remembering every morning that he is not with us anymore.
Today is Tuesday again, 196 days without Liam...
Next Sunday is Mother's Day and it is another first. I said that I do not want to celebrate it anymore, but I know it will be at the back of my mind. I am now a Forever Mommy for the rest of my life. I know I should be grateful for still having Raine, but I just do not feel grateful. I feel done in by... Whom? It was an accident!