22. Apr, 2022
The missing is torture
This week we celebrated Liam's short life again (6 month's anniversary). We played all his memorial videos and cried at each special photo we connected with. We wrote him little notes and burnt them so that the smoke can deliver the message to Liam in heaven. We had one of his favourite meals - pizza! We sat and we talked about his meaning in our lives and how he helped shape us. There was loads of crying, but also loads of laughter. At the end of the night we were all in the kitchen having a good chat about almost anything you can think off.
And then everyone went home... We are alone again in our sad house!
The whole week I have been struggling with the thought of Liam being dead. I cannot imagine it and I am torn apart everyday when thinking about him (almost every minute) - This cannot be... Not that lively, joyful and loving child! Why? Why? Why?
Will this indescribable horrible missing ever get less? It comes in big huge waves that leave you breathless. I think that is why Forever parents are so tired all the time, we can't breathe. It is not a sleep kind of tiredness, it is soul tiredness. Franco and I also became old over night. My hubby is so grey and wrinkled. Me, I think I have aged 10 years over the last 6 months. They have proven in a couple of studies that Forever parents do not live as long as parents who have not lost a child.
Forgive the English hay - not my first language.
We are having another first starting tomorrow - we are going on vacation to the sea without Liam. He so loved the sea. Sometimes he would turn blue, but would just continue swimming. He loved body boarding and playing in the sand with his grandfather and dad. Now no-one will play with Dad this time around - both Raine and I do not love the sand.
How am I going to do this for the rest of my life? Missing - missing what we do not have any longer and missing what we will never have as time goes by...
Liam, we miss you so very, very much and your place in our lives is empty and we cannot fill that void. Remember, we love you and we always will!