19. Apr, 2022

Six months

Today 182 days later Liam left us for another existence - one where we do not belong yet. Today 6 months later I am wearing the same clothes I wore that Tuesday and I combed my hair the same. That is all that is the same.

Six months ago I woke you up for the last time in your bed - even said it - lazy bones. I gave you your last breakfast and your last lunchbox. I drove you to school for the last time. I straightened your hair for the last time. We listened to you Marine songs together for the last time. I told you I love you and I will see you in the afternoon for the last time (I saw you dead in the afternoon). You told me you loved me and winked at me for the last time. You went to school for the last time...

We now belong to a new community - bereaved parents they call us - I prefer Forever Parents! Only these people understand the shambles of our new lives. How we struggle to find meaning and purpose. how can only focus one day at a time, sometimes just one breath at a time. Like my sister with her wild words.

Today I am reliving that day over and over in my mind. The horror of realising that you died in your beloved forest, playing to be a soldier by creating an obstacle course. How I wish I did not take you to Acrobranch for your birthday, maybe just maybe you would not have died. But what does wishing help us? Nothing.

Our psychologists all say you cannot go around this lifelong journey, you have to go through it. It is the most difficult thing I ever had to do and I have had my fair share of pain and loss in my life. But this, this journey rips your heart out every day and leaves your soul in shattered rags.

We go on with everyday things, we even do and try new things, we are learning to live the new normal. But for always and ever an empty spot will remain. The silence of your laughter and the loss of your general loudness and boundless energy, make our house a sad house. People know this and some avoid us, some left us and a few stick with us. But this road we walk alone, we cannot even walk it for each other. Franco was his daddy and I do not know how it feels to be a daddy, neither does he know how it feels to be the mommy. Losing a brother and even discovering his body left a scar on Raine's soul - one that he does not yet fully comprehend. We are changed...

The platitude of "Something beautiful will come from this", is an insult. What beautiful can come from a death of a child. Our hearts and souls will be forever torn and sore. We have no purpose anymore beyond getting Raine through matric and varsity. Then, then we are old people, empty nesters ten years to early.

So today I sit again with this question: "What now God? What am I here for?". My favourite question: "Why our sunshine child?". Show me Your way, Your bigger picture. I give up my life to You every minute. Please... HELP!

So we did the following firsts already:
  • my birthday (4 days after Liam died)
  • every month on the 19th is a new month he is gone
  • Christmas
  • New year
  • Grade 7 Day 1
  • Seeing Raine go to Matric
  • Valentines Day
  • Wedding Anniversary (day Liam was conceived)
  • Applying to Helpmekaar Kollege for high school
  • High school interview
  • Both grandmother's birthdays
  • Easter
  • First 6 months

Firsts to come in the next 6 months
  • Mother's Day
  • Father's Day
  • Raine and Tekara's Birthday
  • Granddad's birthday
  • All the aunts' birthdays
  • All the Voortrekker camps
  • All the vacations
  • Franco and Liam's birthday (same day)
  • Voorslag qualification at Voortrekkers
  • Avontuur camp at Venterskroon
  • One year anniversary of your death

And then we start over... until we die!