Autopsy - a post-mortem examination to discover the cause of death or the extent of disease.

What happens at an autopsy?

A doctor examines the remains inside and out. They can remove internal organs for testing and collect samples of tissue or bodily fluids such as blood. The exam usually takes 1 to 2 hours. Many times, experts can figure out the cause of death in that time.

Think of the above and imagine your child's body going through that. It is hard, it is very hard. Liam's governmental autopsy took place two days after his death and he was handled as evidence. If a child dies of unnatural causes in South Africa, the child becomes the property of the state and they will investigate you for murder, abuse or neglect. You can apply to the judge to have access to the autopsy report, but it is a privilege and not a right. And in South Africa that can take months.

Now think of the above being done to your child twice. We asked for a private autopsy and it could only be done on the 7th day after death. Our pathologist gave us the report within 2-3 working days, just in time for his cremation.

Her report read that he had a huge lump and laceration on the forehead. It then indicated that he ha a bruise on the left side of his neck where he was lying in the rope. Just the one side closed the main vein to the brain. It was determined that the bump on the head happened before the strangulation as the bump still got blood pumping to it. Liam basically suffocated and drowned in the fluid that build up in his lungs.

Imagine for a moment reading something like that about your beautiful lively child. It is hard, it is very hard.

And then came the question again after the police planted the seed: "Was it suicide?" The answer was no, it was a freak accident. But then as a mom you start asking other questions like: " Was he conscious?" "Did he suffer?" "Did he know he was dying and tried to call out?"

Our ADHD psychiatrist spoke to the pathologist and she categorically confirmed it was not suicide and he was 100% unconscious and he did not suffer and he did not know he was dying.

I thought knowing all of this will make me feel better, but it did not. It did not change the fact that my sunshine child died. It made me angry, but angry at what? Angry at the forest/garden that Liam loved so much? Angry at ADHD for making my son reckless? Angry at Liam for being irresponsible? Angry at God for just taking my child?

How about all of the above and then some...