I thought last Saturday was difficult when we went to buy school stationery and get a haircut. Only this time it was just for one boy... It broke my heart to walk pass stationery and gadgets he would have loved.

But this morning shattered my already broken heart in further small pieces - never to be put together. Waking up one son to get ready for school with breakfast in bed, packing one lunchbox and not having to yell to move faster we are late. Packing one bookcase in the car and listening to the plans for the new year from just one voice. That awful green Cadii will stand still forever and ever. No new books to fill it. Then driving pass Liam's school and dropping off one son at school.

Today is a missing and longing day. Today every millimeter of my being ache with the most indescribable pain you can imagine. It is not sadness, it is more than that. I can bare pain and I have bore pain in my lifetime, but this is something I have never ever felt so bad.

I am never going to get through this for the rest for my life (20-25 years?). I am not strong enough to carry this dearest Lord. Why did you choose me? How can I just go on into a new year and Liam stays behind in 2021, forever 13. I am not sure if I am just sad for my loss or the loss of all the missed milestones Liam will never get to have. He will never graduate grade 6. He will never wear his grade 7 blazer. He will never get his Voorslag award at Voortrekkers. He will never go and visit high schools to choose one for 2023. His friends will all go on and do these things. My Liam... never.

Even at work today everything reminds me of Liam. I am close to tears when people just look at me. Tonight I am going home to an excited matriculant full of stories about his first day. I have to look the part of attentive mom and I am excited for him, but I am shattered on the inside as well. I am powerless. Today I also feel helpless.

I wish, just one more look, one more hug and one more I love you!