It's Tuesday again and it looks like is going to rain again like 11 weeks ago. Every Tuesday I have noticed that I am extra anxious and sad. I think it is subconsciously, but still, Tuesdays will never be happy days for me.

Yesterday I started crying in the car all the way to fetch my 18-year old from the shopping mall looking for shirts for school. Just thinking "shirts" made me cry even worse. I have a disease called Sjogrens which means I do not have tears, sweat and spit. So when I say cry, I only get the nose drip part, not actual tears, but yesterday I had big fat tears rolling down my face for the first time in 24-25 years.

We got home and I was still crying right into my husband's waiting arms. He just held me and said nothing. I could feel his tears drip on my hair and his shoulders shaking from time to time. We stood like that for a long time. Eventually he let go and said he was going to make us some tea. We sat on the couch drinking tea, just me lying on his chest and he letting me cry. I do not know how long we sat like that, but I know my tea was ice-cold.

I could not stop crying until I fell asleep eventually, but my nightmares returned in the early morning hours. It is the same all the time. Me having difficulty breathing and then seeing Liam's lifeless body with the half open eyes just staring up at the sky. Over and over again.

Nonetheless, i got up this morning with red eyes and a really bad headache right behind my eyes. My face was puffy. But I had to get up and get my 18-year old off to school in time and come to work. So off I went to get ready for the day. I made sure I dressed nicely, I did my hair and make-up. I promised Liam that no matter how difficult it gets, I will live this life like he would have lived it - with my head held high. He always said I am his prettiest mommy ever. I miss that most probably the most - "Mamma".

So today on another Tuesday, we are heading off to the counsellor so we can chat about how we are doing life now without Liam, but him still very present in our lives still and he will be forever. Another day closer to heaven...