29. Mar, 2022

D E P R E S S I O N

The last two weeks I have been absolutely depressed. A deep despair and sadness that just clouded all decisions and behaviours. I felt hopeless and could not imagine a future any longer without Liam in it.

I am feeling somewhat better this week so far, but I so scared I will be getting complicated grief.

Symptoms of complicated grief include:
  • trouble thinking about anything other than your loved one’s death - tick
  • lasting longing for your deceased loved one - tick
  • difficulty accepting that your loved one is gone - tick
  • long-lasting bitterness over the loss - tick
  • feeling as if your life no longer has meaning - tick
  • trouble trusting others - no tick
  • difficulty remembering positive memories of your loved one - no tick
  • grieving that gets worse instead of better - tick

If you look at the above, I sure do like I am heading that way. But it has only been 5 months, I am still a newby at this bereavement thing.

I have been taking action against the depressed sadness, by resting as much as possible (conserving energy), looked at my anti-depressants and mood stabilisers with my doctor. Journaling every single day, writing letters to Liam and finishing off some last things for Liam's life.

I think the latter is really making me sad, because the physical actionable things I can still do for Liam are diminishing. We got his ashes memorial stone design for the Wall of Remembrance at church. I have placed the order and then pay. I am also waiting for quotes for the making of the stone. Then we need to get some for his ashes to place in the wall and then we arrange for the placement.

I have asked all his occupational therapists and speech therapists for any sketches he might have made. They will be sending it shortly.

I got the forensics autopsy done by the police and I got the apology letter with action plans from the emergency team that handled Liam's case.

I am only left with the chair for my husband and Liam and Raine's Scout jackets to be blocked. Then the only daunting task I cannot imagine still, is to clear out his closets and bookcase. His toys and other have been moved into the mancave, because that was what he was planning to do the weekend after his death. That packing up of your child is most probably the scariest thing I have ever have to face.

I had a dream about Liam at long last. I was standing somewhere in a field and Liam took my left hand in his. He was about eight. I asked him where were you. He answered: "With the Pope, Mommy." He looked up at me and smiled. That dream started making me feel better and it became easier to get up.

Someone said to me over the weekend that I can stop worrying if Liam is okay. He is in the most capable and loving arms in all creation. It is good to hear that, but as a mommy it is very difficult to stop.

My body has also been giving me problems the last week or so. I am very fatigued. I went to my usual check up with my Rheumatologist. She heard an additional crackling in my right lung, which was not there before. It is either fluid in the lung or it is my fibrosis expanding. The fluid is easily drainable through medication. The fibrosis is another kettle of fish. Firstly, hospitalisation, a MRI, cortisone drips and then additions or alterations to my current medication regime. With that also come a whole bunch of new side effects.

I went for all the blood tests and the CT scan yesterday. Luckily the cholesterol and sugar seem fine. My blood pressure is very low 90/80 and this morning still 107/75. I do have to keep my pressure low and take blood thinners to help my heart. But this might be why I am feeling so fatigued. She also told me that from having no thyriod function, I now have an over active thyroid. So stopped the meds for that one. Still waiting on the CT scan results. So sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting for the phone to ring.

Lately, my sleep is also very interrupted with chronic back pain. Hopefully the CT scan might shed some light on that as well. I am taking soft pain medications just to take the edge off a bit.

So hopefully some of these actions will make me feel less depressed. The sadness I am afraid will be staying awhile longer.