18. Mar, 2022
Loneliness
Loneliness is the feeling of being alone, regardless of the amount of social contact.
I am sitting at work in a full office and share my sad house with other people, but I am feeling so alone. It looks to me as if everyone is moving on and I cannot get out of this lonely, black hole. I am so sad all the time, missing and remembering every second of the day. Still filled with unbelief and waiting for Liam to run for the door loudly like he always did.
Everything around me triggers me, other kids his age, music, smells and just normal routines. This week Liam's friends all went for the high school open days and Liam would have definitely gone to Helpmekaar's open day. It is not fair, my life is filled with so much unfairness.
My marraige is straining, we are such different people since Liam died. My husband seems to be so much father down the grief process and I am angry and I take it out on him. I am so sorry for that, but we are both stubborn. 80% of marriages where a child died, ends in divorce. I do not want to be part of that statistic. We need to work on our communication and reconnect as different people with a different life than what we planned. We need to make new plans, but we both feel stuck there, because we are not in control, so how do you make plans when you cannot trust surety. Nothing is for sure!
I got some bad news about my right lung and have to go for a CT scan. Maybe it is just fluid on the lung or otherwise the lung fibrosis is growing. That means a whole bunch of new treatments. Do I really want to do that again? I do not have the energy anymore to fight anything. But I have to, I promised Liam I will learn to live again and I have my dearest Raine to think of. He is in matric.
This road of grief is lonely. It is different for me as Liam's mother, than it is for my hubby as his father. Raine has Asperger's so emotions work so much differently for him. The rest of my family all grief differently and we can't really connect with each other.
My psychologist has given me a method to analyse my feelings and I am working on the feeling of loneliness. It is so difficult... This new life journey seems endless, it is just pain all the time.
We are going away for the weekend. Tomorrow Liam would be gone for 5 months, 151 days! 151 days without touching, hearing, listening and feeling my "person". I can never replace this empty hole and never would I want to replace Liam's place.
I ask God every day for mercy - kyrie eleison - Lord have mercy. I am on our Lent journey and this week we are focussing on peace. How I long for some peace to come into my life. So hopefully this weekend in the Drakensberg, I can go and scream, rest, read, pray and just breathe.
Kyrie eleison!