11. Mar, 2022
Anger!
This week was a rather difficult one for me. I really felt I wanted to punch someone or something. It is screaming inside, bubbling and festering... "It has to come out. It feels really like a hurricane in my chest, storm in my soul and it does not want to release until I shatter " and crumble - Nikita Gill
How?
I have a wonderful trauma counsellor now and she has walked the path I am walking. I trust what she says, because she knows...
A feeling like anger needs to be named and pulled apart from as many angles as possible, write it down, then make a plan. Make a constructive plan to turn the feeling into an action. Because if you action it, you feel back in control and no longer helpless. Action creates movement and in grief we want movement. We are still powerless, because God is in control, but we are not helpless. He has given us free will and He has given me the energy to do something about my pain. Hell, just energy to get up...
So my first point of anger was the paramedic who phoned everyone that evening and told all and sundry that Liam committed suicide, he hanged himself. After four months of untold anger and even hatred for causing doubt and leaving a scar on the memory of Liam, I decided to contact the paramedics head office and complain. I was very polite and explained my situation and asked that they clarify the law in terms of this "message" and also to ask that they train their staff up to handle stories like mine with a bit more compassion. They need to think what they say, because it scars the memory of the deceased loved one, even if you know it is not true. It was put into the universe and that really pisses me off.
They came back within 20 minutes and they will investigate my case and come back to me with solution. We will see, for me seeing is believing.
So I need to go through all my anger topics and on for one work out a plan of action on how to constructively get the anger out. Another one is the need to SCREAM - I need to find a quiet alone place where I can let it rip. So I am going to scream in the car and when I go to gym, once a week I am climbing in that pool and dunk my head and scream to my hearts content.
I have a lot of work to do above the normal day to day continuation of life! Tired... I am so tired.
But today is a lighter day, I have a plan now to get unstuck and create movement for my feelings. The feeling of loss and sadness will never go away, but at least I am no longer helpless, just powerless. But God gave me discernment and I am going to use it, so I can live the promise we made to Liam - we WILL learn to live like he did!