2. Mar, 2022
Ash Wednesday and a new chapter starts
I was referred to this new counselor who also lost a boy at age 12. Thinking she is just a fellow Forever Mommy. Wow, was I surprised - she is a qualified and very experienced trauma psychologist.
I had a two hour session with her and when she heard that Liam only passed 4 months ago, she immediately realised I was never properly trauma counselled. She explained all the theory around how we are made in God's image - also a trinity - Body, Soul and Spirit. Then she explained in loads of details around how trauma works and how it ends up into Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. She spoke my language - a forever mother's language. She related to me so well.
She explained that I am using so much energy in the grieving process that I hardly have anything left to function in the now. I am still stuck - 19 October 2021 at 17:45. I have not understood and analysed the trauma and that is why that day plays over in my mind several times a day. I had to tell my story up to a point and then she stopped me and told me it is enough for today. I have to look after myself, eat and rest and all those good things, so she does not need to put me in "a soft place with soft walls".
She taught me that I might need to think about my triggers that push me back to 19 October 2021 and then email myself to discuss with her next week. For example:
- friends of Liam come to visit
- scout events that Liam would have loved
- Liam's favourite food
- His favourite music
- Anything that triggers me back to that day, which I have not processed successfully yet. And bad luck for me, that might take a few months to a few years...
Next week I will continue my story and she is going to help me look at my triggers.
Today is Ash Wednesday and Liam loved the concept. He always wanted to get the ash cross, but we could not go last year due to Covid. Tonight I am taking my hubby and Raine to introduce it to the concept. Then Lent starts.
So todays exercises are:
- What do you want to give up for 40 days - reduce alcohol intake
- What do you want to do more of - work with the trauma and meditate more - be still
- What do I want to ask Jesus for - comfort from Him and to feel Liam's presence in Jesus's company
So todays prayer will be - Jesus show me mercy to accept my own mortality and that of Liam's. Amen.
Accepting my own mortality I have been doing for 24 years. I was 23 when they told me I have 10 years to live. When I had my stroke, I thought I was dying. So I have experience in accepting my own death. And many occassions I have wanted to take my own life during these past 24 years, even now when Liam died.
What I have difficulty with is accepting my child's mortality - it feels unnatural and the last and worst thing to think about. I wonder if I will ever get to that acceptance at all. He was supposed to cremate me and miss me, not this way around.
So a new chapter is starting with a new counsellor and trying to complete 40 days of Lent, but keeping in mind I have to preserve my energy, otherwise I will lose who I am. Raine and Franco still need me, my mom and my sisters still love me and so I can go on...
I do not want to be placed in a "soft place with soft walls". Or maybe I need to rest. I think I came back to work and the new normal too early and now I am struggling to learn how to live again, which I promised Liam I would do. I want to look as happy as I did in the picture above.
God have mercy on my soul...