28. Feb, 2022
Scratch, scratch, scratch...
I had a difficult weekend, being the first scouts camp without Liam and I was exhausted, which I could not seemed to get over with sleep, lots of sleep.
It has been storming, lightning and thunder, this afternoon and as I got stuck in traffic, a message came through from my husband. The police detective came to the house today, they have ruled Liam's death an accident and they just need my statement, then they can close the case against us. I went ice cold and then immediately started screaming. Why? What other answer was I waiting for? What other outcome was I expecting? I knew it was an accident. It just felt like Liam died again today, even more than usual.
It just felt like everything that was healing was scratched open and it is flowing with blood and my inside feels like shattered glass. I am so fragile and so tired of fighting against the pain. Tonight I just feel like I want to give over to the pain and longing. But I lit the bravery candle - marine grey candle. Be brave Silezia! But can I be? Do I want to be?
I don't know how to this. I do not know how to get through this process and will I ever get through it. In some insane way, I do not want to get through this. I want to mourn my child forever and ever.
So now I need to make an appointment with the police to give my statement and then the court will close the case of negligence against us. Like that is going to make me feel better. It will not give me peace. They should rather lock me up and throw away the key and forget about me. I am so tired of the scabs constantly being ripped off by something scratching it like photos, sound clips of his laughter, firsts and things he will never get to do like his friends.
I want my little boy back!