21. Feb, 2022
Another month!?!?
Saturday Liam left us 4 months ago. I realised when I was busy making coffee, staring into his unslept bed and tidy room (it was never tidy), that I am still in denial. Every morning awake and then realise again with a shock that Liam is really gone. The same on Saturday, I was reliving that evening's events and how Liam looked, the aura of everyone and the quietness amidst my screaming like a mad woman.
I was shocked and traumatised all over again. How can this be? What did we do to make God so angry? Is their a heaven? Is Liam there safe with Jesus? I am never going to get through this, because you will never get over this Silezia!!!!!!
L I A M!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is screaming so loudly in my inner life and my soul and my cells. Please come back! Please do not leave us.
Then I realise I can never make it better and I can never change it - EVER!
Unfair...
Why did our family get to have two dead grand children? Why did God choose us to carry this immense pain? Why? Wy? Why?
Then no answer.
I hate not knowing why and where Liam is and George?
On Saturday I was bitter and angry and isolated. I did not go and visit the garden, because I am angry at that garden for stealing Liam's wonderful life. His favourite place in the world and it killed him violently. Why? Did Liam hurt his forest? Did he offend nature?
My hubby I think is annoyed with me for not going to Liam's garden. But it brings him peace. The garden makes me angry. It is now so pretty and innocent looking, not the murdering machine it was on 19 October 2021. I am angry, so very, very angry.
I am reading this book about other Forever parents and how they cope and go through this process. I can relate, but I think you cannot capture in words the absolute devastation the death of a child brings to all who knew the family and the child.
People sat something pretty and good will come off it. Like what? Please show me what good came out of Liam's death. I am still waiting for any answer from anywhere. Nothing, just silence and sadness. Yes, maybe, later there might come something good from this experience, but not because Liam died. Death is ugly and violent and merciless.
Another month - 4 months. I at least have another 10-20 years to go before I will see him again. I hope?