3. Feb, 2022
Braveheart
Yesterday I went to have my pinky fingers straightened. They started going crooked 20 years ago due to the Scleroderma. I never had the guts to do something about it.
This year our family theme is "Learn to Live". The same slogan as Orban School - Liam's school. So we are trying to live life according to Liam's characteristics. So each one of us try and wake up with a sense of wonder everyday, we try and look for something beautiful in the day etc. It is very hard to wake up thankful and excited when your baby died. I do not get it right a lot. But with my fingers I decided to be brave amd just do it.
Since Liam's death and me breaking my ankle, my fingers got infected due to cellulitis and I have been struggling for weeks to ge the ulcers to heal. I can't stand physical [ain any longer, so I am preparing to wipe it out as much as possible.
Liam would always take my pinkies and straighten them. He even suggested that we take a hammer and hit them. I was always shocked when he suggested it.
But yesterday I went by myself (due to Covid) you are not allowed to take someone with. I sat and waited for a bed for about an hour and a half. Eventually i got a bed and they wheeled me to theatre. I must say the thought did cross my mind that I wished I would die on the operating table. Knew that is not my luck though.
I had the best anesthetist! He brought in a heater to keep my temperture up so the Raynaud's does not bother the surgeon. He put the drip up in my foot because he knew I have no veins in my arms amd they were going to work on my hands. He asked if I want general anesthetic or be knocked out. For what they were going to do, I needed to be knocked out. Glad I chose that one. He also did like a spinal block on my hands, so I can't feel anything. The life is coming back now. It hurts and burns!
But I slept yesterday and most of today and just taking it easy. A time for rest and contemplation. Last night we also lit the grey candle for bravery. Liam would have been very brave amidst the pain. I want t honour that and not complain when it hurts.
Liam was a brave boy. He got up every single morning with a ray of sunshine on his face. When he got ready for school he would sing. He would pack his suitcase with a smile and a song. Even when the day of learning was hard on him )he hd to work harder than others), he would come home, run to his Dad and tell him about his day with passion and enthusiasm. The same when I came home. He would do the Liam sit on the kitchen counter and chat away.
When he was bullied early last year, he was not scared to go to school. He made all these plans to handle them after we gave him some advice. Obvously we informed the teachers and they kept watch over Liam. He knew they had his back. He was mostly teased about his size. He was a year older than everybody else and he was very small built, but very fit and strong.
Studying for Liam was a hard thing to do. Wth the ADHD and anxiety, he struggled to start, sometimes it frustrated him. But boy once he got started there was no stoping him. The day he died he was summarising Geography. He sketched each plant and Googled all the characteristics, the planets fascinated him. I am going to frame it and add it to all his other sketches.
Liam was brave! I can be brave!