1. Feb, 2022
Screaming on the inside
Today 105 days ago at 12:00 you were still at school safe and sound. You always called me at 14:15 to tell me about homework. But we already had our plan in place for studying for the exams so no homework, therefor no phone call. I did not worry about it, because you knew what you had to do.
At 16:30 the CCTV picked up that you cut-off all the broomsticks and made spears out of them. And then you and Dad started playing Star Wars - light sabers! You also then showed Dad your King Arthur sword skills. You had a smile on your face and so did Dad.
Daddy had to go in at 17:00 for another meeting, so you ran to him and gave him a hug. The cameras picked up how you ran to the deck with all the building rubble and picked up the rope. You had that smile on your face when you have a bright idea. I know what you were thinking - you were going to start building your own Acrobranch.
I saw the gate to the forest open and close. And that was it. That was the last time we saw you alive. The pathologist indicated that you passed just after 17:00-ish. Quietly and alone...
Today it is a Tuesday again, but 105 days has passed. I am screaming on the inside now, because the tears that run down my face are not enough to express the love, the longing, missing, regrets, feelings of betrayal by God and just heartache. I guess if I was to cream it would be the most awful sound in the world. But I am tired and I know that the scream will be still and no sound will escape my throat.
The more time goes by the more I miss you, your mannerisms, your habits, your chats and your smiles and hugs. I want it back. Why you?
2022 is just beginning to fast for me. We are already in February, but I am stuck on 19 October 2021. I can't get away from that day. I have awake nightmares from that day, everyday. I know Daddy is feeling very heart sore as well, I keep on catching him with tears in his eyes. I think it is worse for him at the moment, because he works from home. He waits for you to walk through that door everyday. He waits...
So many what ifs for that fateful day. So many I should haves...
Come back!