31. Jan, 2022
Hundred and four days
104 days since I last saw your real face, smelled your real hair and heard your actual voice. 104 days since I said I love you directly to you, 104 days since I had an actual hug from you and "See you tonight, Mommy."
The longest and the shortest 104 days of my lfe. The most difficult and horrific 104 days of my life and speaking to other forever parents, we are in for some more and deeper painful days. Can it get more painful than this? Apparently a definite yes.
I am in so much emotional and spiritual pain and it is manifesting in nightmares (despite slipping pills), anxiousness, heart palpitations, panic attacks and headaches. I have no desire for food and only it because I have to. And there will be no end of this longing and msiing until I am dead.
I do understand it when God said that he will never tempt you above what you can handle. I cannot handle this, this is too much. How much more do I need to give without even an explanation and reason? Don't we as forever parents at least deserve an explanation why our angel children are ripped out of lives so violently?
I wish everyday that it would be my last, but to no avail. I still have to live MY life! So much to look forward to...