29. Jan, 2022
Little Miracles
Two days ago I wrote to Liam to please ask Jesus to let me know if he is allowed to let us know that he is safe and happy. Not knowing where your child's energy is at - because where is heaven exactly? - is the scariest feeling in the world.
The next morning driving to work the song Dear God came up and usually I sing with, but I could for the life of me not unlock my jaw for the life of me. The next song came up Way Maker and still my jaw as locked. I felt a feeling of listen come over me. So I played Dear God and Way Maker all the way to work really listening to the words.
When I got to work, my jaw unlocked and I could sy hello to everyone. So I imagined that it was Jesus letting me know he has Liam and Liam is happy, because Jesus is in control. So yesterday was my happy day.
Raine also brought back three distinctions and we know he deserved it due to perseverance and hard work, even though he insisted to write exams a week after his brother's death. God blessed us with two beautiful boys with beautiful and pure spirits. Not that they do not have their faults, they are human too.
The orthopedic surgeon is also willing now to straighten my pinkies next week. Yeah, after 20 years of ulcers and pain, that will be in the past.
I must admit though I did feel guilty for having a happy day, because what would society say. But then I remembered life is more important than what other people think of you. I had a happy day.
Today I spoke to another father who lost his son a year ago also. He is still very sore, but he says living does become easier. But he reminded me that I am still at a place where I think every morning, I am one day closer to my own death - how I cannot wait for that day! Now that would be a happy day, then I will see what Liam sees. But I have profound questions, where is heaven, what is it, why may we not know why our children had to die where others get to live and waste their lives? I know Liam would have grabbed the opportunity with both hands and feet to get to live out his dreams.
I also had counselling today on a Friday afternoon and that was maybe not a good idea. It now set the tone for the weekend. If it is a fete a compli that a line is drawn in the sand for us, and we would have known this to be true for Liam, how differently we would have treated him. I would definitely not have fretted over dirty laundry on the ground and dishes everywhere. I would have created much more moments that would have sparked joy fir him, so he could spark joy for others. That is why Liam lived the why he did - fully. People who knew Liam would confirm this to be true immediately. I would definitely have given him that way of life instead of the one focused on school and fitting into society's idea of how a child learns. My husband reminded me in the session that forever we will no longer have a Liam, it done, its over and it does matter because we have to continue living. And when I die or he dies Raine will continue living. Because such is life. That made me wonder why are we living in the first place if this is the inevitable? I do not know the answer to that.
But we made a promise to Liam that we will continue living our lives and create moments that spark joy and hopefully maybe that would spark joy for someone else. I want to be able to get to "heaven" and tell Liam I did good my Liefielyf. Mommy kept on living to the best I could live so I could try and spread your message.
But this promise seems impossible some days as some days it takes all the energy of a week just to breathe and not to collapse I sit in a miserable pile on the floor. One thing I am learning very quickly is that this type of grief is not a process and it has no steps. You fell everything all at once all the time. And what is true when speaking o other forever parents like us, it will never get better and it will never go away. We will just get used to living without our children, but it does not ever get easier.