20. Jan, 2022
The day after a black day
Yesterday was most of the hardest and darkest days in my life. In the morning when it was so dark and misty and storming, it felt like mother Earth was crying with me. I felt completely enveloped in sadness.
I was so busy at work that I barely had time to breathe it in that yesterday was 12 weeks to the date. I had all the grieving stages all in one day: I denied, I bargained, I was angry and furious, I was extremely sad and I also accepted that Liam is never coming back. I am forever going to look into his beautiful face in photos and they will never grow older. That is it! That is all we have is photos, videos and memories that stop at 13 years.
I had bereavement counseling yesterday after work and I could really be honest and brutal with the pain. My psychologist understood when I said that if God takes another thing from me I am jumping in front if a bus. I have lost my health, I had one stillborn, one miscarraige, I had a stroke and now I lost my child. I nearly lost Raine when he was born and we narly lost Liam twice when he was born. What more does God want from me because I have no more to give? I am completely worn out, tired and defeated.
We found new baby bunnies - 5, but only 2 survived the storms yesterday. So we packed the nest with hay and sorts and I hope when we check tonight they will still be alive. They are about 10 days old and the mother placed them high up in the rocks in Liam's forest. That lightened the mood a bit.
Afterwards we tried again to light and send up 3 sky lanterns, but due to the wetness in the air we had 0/3 success. It was almost like the universe was pulling a Liam move on us.
My husband and I were so tired we clocked out in front of the TV whilst we waited for Raine to get ready for bed so we can go and say goodnight. This morning it was very hard for both of us to get out of bed. We are exhausted by all the emotions.
Today was the same still. Those feelings, emotions and thoughts are still lingering today and the work pressure are getting to me. I even yelled at someone today, which is so not part of my nature. We need so much prayer and pleasant thoughts from everyone. Now that the trauma and shock and adrenaline are subsiding, the longing and missing have taken over and that is the hardest part of this process. Missing and longing grow with the years and it never goes away...
I am a wreck!
We had a parents evening for the Matrics and on my way home I drove home alone and I have not screamed since that night, so I screamed from Braamfontein all the way home whilst banging my fists to a pulp against the steering wheel. I just felt I needed it. My throat is raw and hands saw, but I am feeling like some pain has been released.
We also just learnt about another Grade 3 boy in Liam's school who passed away yesterday after a 4 year battle with cancer. Why do children die so brutally - freak accidents or eaten away by disease? Why? Why? Why?