29. Dec, 2022

Second Festive Season without you

I thought that the first year was hard, but this second festive season without you was much harder. The shock was gone this year, but the terror and the missing much, much worse. To add salt into the wound that has not scabbed over yet, my husband is still without a job and that weighs heavily on his mind and health.

He has been complaining much more about his elbow and back and neck. I think it is stress related and heartache. He has grown greyer now and his hair is thinning quickly. He does not really talk much about Liam. He does bring me flowers from Liam’s cross and then we cry together.

Raine at least talks about his brother in terms of memories. Not feelings. I expect that because our therapist taught us that Raine functions completely different to us when it comes to feelings. He also has his friends and his holiday job to keep him occupied.

I miss my family. I am the only one left in South Africa. They are all in New Zealand and are enjoying each other and the sites and sounds of island life. Shortly they will move over to Australia for the new year. I am very jealous of the fun they are all having. As soon as we figure out what my hubby will be doing in 2023, we can then start planning a trip to both Australia and New Zealand.

With Raine and my hubby at home, they are keeping themselves occupied with house projects: new security cameras, new smart light switches etc. My hubby also got himself a puppy Weimaraner. His name is Dobby and he is super cute. It is good to see my husband and Raine being able to give love to something dependant on them.

This year I am working right through. No more leave available to take. We are going to the Drakensberg in January for a week and the boys and friends are going to San Lameer the week after. I will be coming back to work and not go to San Lameer. I can’t do that holiday yet. It was one of the last ones that Liam went to.

I am having good days where I can think back on beautiful memories of Liam and just our fairy tale family life. And then I have super dark days where even the smallest memory triggers a depressive episode. But we know that grief comes and goes like waves in the ocean. PTSD is also now part of daily life in our house – our sad house.

The things I still need to do for Liam are becoming less and less, but they are huge mountains I face. His portfolio of school, his photobooks and packing up his clothes and refurnishing his bedroom are just to0 difficult. But I must do it – it is important to my soul. We also still need to watch his production video as well.

But as I am doing the above tasks, I also want to do Raine’s and that is exciting to see how he evolved over time into the wonderfully talented and well-mannered young man. I am also excited for him where he is nearing his adulting face, which kicks off with receipt of his matric certificate and registering for university. I am so honoured to walk this new journey with him. I am also looking forward to start planning our new life as empty nesters. Spending more time with my husband and finding things to do that we both like. Three more days then 2022 will be finished and 2023 will kick off and maybe we can dare to dream a little.