Forever Mommy

Writing to Liam

I try and write Liam a letter as often as possible, every night when I had a bad or emotional day.

Why?

Well, Liam was my "person", he just got me. He would do the Liam Sit on the kitchen counter whilst I was preparing our meal (which I still need to write about). First we will talk about his day and he was never just: "My day was okay.". He would go into great, great details about his day and the people involved and the emotions he picked up on. Lately, Raine has started doing that (my Asperger's child) and I imagine somedays that a piece of Liam's soul transferred into Raine.

The it was my turn. He would listen, ask the all important second questions and then at then end sum it all up for me in one sentence with such a piece of dry humor. He was extremely wise for his age. It took me 45 years to learn to list and ask the second question and here he was asking it from a very young age. Liam sometimes had a naïve, but old soul.

So when I write to him, it feels like we are talking and yes, I do realise that I ask and answer my own second question, but I try and do it from Liam's perspective. It is my time to chat with Liam like we always did at night or at scout camps. It helps with the feeling that heaven feels so far away.

A mystery and very, very far away...

I end ach chat with a prayer for my family, Liam included. And I ask at the end "not as we will it, but how You will it Lord!" Thank you Auntie Alet, your advice helped here to understand I am powerless, but I am not helpless. By writing to Liam it has helped me pray again. To pray lifts the darkness.

I have heard of forever mommies' who lost their toddlers who still read to them until the age they would have been when they would have started to read. I have heard of other forever mommies who write a message in a bottle and throw it in the sea.

Writing - journaling or a letter to Liam - help me see the wood from the forest. It helps me find a path. It clears the chaos between my mind and my heart. It does not take away the pain, the friustration, the anger, the depression, the bargaining and yes the wishin today is my last day. But it does lighten the load by creating structure that my brain understands.

Write a book, a poem, a dialogue, a play - just write. You can even write to your Creator and get all your emotions out so you can name them. Write until your fingers hurt.

My dearest Liefielyf

Today...