Forever Mommy

9. Sep, 2022

So Many Feelings

The last week I fell apart emotionally, but the depressive episodes have reduced dramatically. The changed medication is really helping with that. My rheumatologist also took away my Immuno-suppressant. We will see how I cope for the next month, but I need to go see a cardiologist, she is thinking my one heart chamber has enlarged.

I had a second session to massage my fascia. This time Nicole massaged my face, my jaw (inside and out), my neck and brainstem. She could not get my jaw on the left to relax completely, but she stated that 47 years worth of emotions packed up there and it will be awhile before we completely get it to release.

I have now really learnt a lot of the working of the body and where unwanted feelings are stored. The top 10 areas for unwanted feelings as explained in Psychology Today are:

  • Lower back - Anger
  • Stomach and intestines - Fear
  • Heart & chest - Hurt
  • Headache - Loss of Control
  • Neck/shoulder tension - Burdens and Responsibilities
  • Fatigue - Resentments
  • Numbness - Trauma
  • Breathing issues - Anxiety
  • Voice and Throat - Oppression
  • Insomnia - Loss of Self

Here are some grief thoughts/feelings that do not make me feel proud, but nonetheless I have them every single day:

  • I am jealous of other people's happiness
  • I feel entitled, like life owes me something
  • I do not care about anything superficial anymore - like washing dishes
  • I am and did have thoughts of suicide - but I got help at least and it works
  • I am angry - SO ANGRY:
  • Angry at Liam for dying
  • Angry at the emergency response teams for taking so long
  • Angry at family and friends when they ask how I am doing
  • Angry when they do not ask how I am doing
  • Angry at God for taking Liam instead of me
  • Angry at myself for not thinking to donate Liam's organs etc.
  • I am drinking more than I should be, I am sleeping too much, I am not eating enough and no exercise
  • My emotions feel totally out of control
  • I am judging others, even people I care about, my priorities are way different

I do think of myself as a good person generally, friendly and reasonable. I am not poised and graceful in my grief. It is ugly and raw. I have to face these ugly thoughts every single day, for the rest of my life. So I apologise upfront if sometimes I sound harsh, but being chronically ill and losing Liam have just completely overwhelmed my life.

Just thinking of the rest of September, is freaking me out. My scouts team is doing its "exams" next weekend, we have our 30 year reunion, then Liam's 11 month remembrance and then the worst one yet. A big first!

My hubby and Liam share a birthday on the 27th. It will be my hubby's first birthday without Liam and it will be Liam's first birthday in heaven. I want to thank everyone in my support system for giving me ideas to honour Liam's short life and celebrate my hubby's life. You are greatly appreciated.

This month might just break me completely and then they will put me in a soft place with soft walls. If this month does not break me, October will. Then Liam would be gone one year. I actually do not want to be awake for that day. That horrible fateful day...