Forever Mommy

12. Aug, 2022

Why?

My therapist changed my medications this week. I can already feel the fog and darkness lifting. The only thing is now my Neuropathy is not managed effectively. At least I do not have sleepless nights with the new meds.

This week I am intensely missing Liam. I miss having chats with him and philosophizing about the world. I miss his hugs and kisses. My hubby and I had a moment this Tuesday past. We were listening a song and he just started crying. When he starts, I start. Poor Raine just had to hug and hug, until we were sobbed out.

Our traditional roles are all jumbled. Sometimes I am the dad and husband, sometimes Raine is the mom and my hubby is the wife and mother. We try and fill the shoes of the one that is collapsing at that moment in time. And it will remain jumbled, it is the new normal.

I am very tired, but it could also be that I have a cold that is pulling through my chest. I am breathless a lot of the time whilst not really doing any effort. I will see how I feel tomorrow, maybe I need antibiotics. First trying the home remedies and nebulizing. My doctor will in any case just prescribe nebs.

Luckily our weekend will not be so busy and we can just rest a bit. I started knitting a blanket and I want to see how far I can get over the weekend. We only have Raine's mountain bike race on Saturday.

When I looked back over the last week, I can absolutely confirm that we are just existing at the moment. Just having enough energy to do the musts:

  • eat
  • sleep
  • drink water
  • connect with family

My therapist also told me we need to make space for the following (if we have the courage and energy:

  • cook one dinner during the week. My hubby and Raine will just have to keep me company or we can cook together
  • take one day a week and do something with each other for example playing board games, watching a movie, go for a walk. We need to create a new rhythm for the week. Apparently that will calm our sympathic nervous system and we will not always be stuck in fight or flight
  • she wants us to celebrate Liam's life by maybe eating at his favourite restaurant, watch his favourite TV show or cook his favourite meal.

I must tell you, I am extremely scared of the above. I understand why we have to do it, but she warned me that it will floor us at first. But the more we do it, the more the sting goes out of the grief.

The old question of why still lingers and I know I will never get the answer on this Earth. But I would have really still liked to get a reason why my beautiful boy had to die, when there are so many other horrible people around. God gave me so much pain in my whole life, but I am not allowed to get a reason why He took Liam. Why?

W H Y !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am tired of waiting...