Forever Mommy

8. Feb, 2022

Emotions? Stages?

I started a new book by Gary Roe Shattered - Surviving the loss of a child tonight. I just needed to read something to help me understand all the thoughts, feelings an "stages" of what I am feeling tonight.

We had to have a talking to with our matriculant (Grade 12) about his attention to studies vs relationships vs driving. He has been called in after is Advanced Programme in Maths teacher contacted us that he is struggling. We do not know if he is struggling because of Liam's death or just the social life of a matriculant. Raine has a bit of Asperger's, so he deals differently with emotions than we do. So we are in limbo on where we stand with his coping with death. But tonight he told us that he does not want to deal with us and we are making his life difficult by interfering. We are helicopter parents and have been always. So do we back off? NO!! Never.

So I started this book and it gives words to the stuff bereaved or forever parents feel most days for ever and ever. Some come forward more often than others, but they all come in waves everyday somewhere.

So this book has made me think of the following stuff I go through every minute of every day, even though I smile at you:

  • shocked - realising every morning that you died and felling like it just happened all over. How can this be true? You were so lively and enthusiastic about life.
  • stunned - I can hardly get some words out. I have realised that I have started stuttering when I speak about the accident. It is like I cannot believe it. Also how do you explain what this feels like to people who have no clue.
  • surreal - our world is weird now and everything changed within minutes, although things look the same. Nothing seems real to be - am I living in an alternate universe?
  • sadness you cannot explain - sometimes it is like a stab in the chest and sometimes it is just below the surface as a chronic, dull ache or both at the same time. Liam's death has shattered my heart - he was my "person". He completed my sentences.
  • anger - but who can I can get angry at? No-one killed Liam, it was a freak accident. Do I get angry at the rock that knocked him unconscious, or the rope he was creating a tree-top course, do I blame us for not looking for him sooner or do I get angry at God? Do I get angry at Liam for always being reckless and adventurous. My anger is an anger that I cannot direct to a source, it just builds and builds. Sometimes when I am driving alone in my car, I scream at the top of my lungs and hit the steering wheel.
  • Anxiety - I wake up anxious, because I can feel I have been grinding my teeth even though I am on anxiety meds. Little things give me panic attacks, remembering Liam's body in the garden, seeing him being placed in the morgue van, identifying his body at the morgue, saying goodbye to his frozen body and seeing his ash box/ urn. Every time my other son gets into the car. The biggest anxiety for me is that I will have to still live with all of this for 20-30 years still.
  • Fear - I am now scared of the rain, which I used to love, fear of silence in the house, fear to be alone. Also I fear that I will outlive my hubby. He keeps me upright and gets me going everyday.
  • Guilt - could we have taught Liam to be more careful due to the ADHD, could I rather not have stopped at the garage and got home sooner, could I not rather stayed with his body whilst we waited for the paramedic
  • s and police, and, and, and...
  • Bitterness - Why my child? Why not a troubled child or a bully? Why do other evil kids get to live and my lovely sunshine child stopped? Bitterness makes you ask ugly, horrible questions.
  • Numb - so many feelings that I feel numb and even numb to the world continuing, while I stopped on 19 October 2021.
  • Lost - I am lost without my "person". No one who understands me fully anymore. No more goals, those were shattered into pieces, I am helpless, worthless and powerless. I now only exist and I am not living.
  • Depressed - trying to find things to make me a little happy and not create guilt. But my life's goals have to change now - I am now really middle aged 8 years before my time. Difficult to get up in the mornings, can't eat a lot at all except ice lollies and yoghurt. I am tired all the time for no reason. I am on anti-depressants for years now to manage my needles and pins and that does not take away the depression.
  • Confusion - I am constantly finding myself confused and unhinged. I am mostly confused to have just one feeling at a time.
  • Forgetfulness - I find that I have to write things down more, because I forget things where previously I could multi-task.
  • Feeling crazy - the world has gone on and mostly forgot about Liam, and I want to scream like a banshee that Liam was here and he made a difference. I find I am talking to myself more.
  • Lack of focus - loss of time because I remember something and get stuck there
  • Addictions - my shopping compulsion is definitely worse. I buy a lot for Liam and Raine. Gifting is one of my love languages.
  • Suicidal thoughts - I want to die too. Apparently wanting to trade places is part of the bargaining phase. I will trade immediately and I also do not want to live another 20-30 years. I will not self-harm but I want to die at a younger age and not live to 70's or God forbid 80's.
  • Physical pain avoidance - I am going to fix everything that is giving me physical pain. I started with the straightening of my skew pinkies. The other pain is too overwhelming to handle with physical pain.

These are but some thoughts and feelings I have everyday. Therefor I conclude that this type of grief is not a process filled with stages, it is a way of life and it works in waves and it has no end.